The Government Manual for New Pirates
Table of Contents
Other Books by Matthew David Brozik and Jacob Sager Weinstein
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Avast, Reader!
Chapter One - WHERE BE PIRATES?
Finding Your Brethren
We Sail the Ocean Blue
The Caribbean
Chapter Two - LOOK YE LIKE A PIRATE
No Slave to fashion Be Ye
Necessary Items
Not Recommended
Chapter Three - SPEAK IN THE MANNER Of A PIRATE
Rough Waters Ahead?
Conjugation
A Pirate’s Alphabet: More Than Just X
Absence Makes the Boat Go faster
Some Selected Definitions of Some Selected Pirate Words
A [Large Number] [Gerund] [Plural Noun] on a(n) [Adjective] [Noun]!
Chapter Four - SAIL YE LIKE A PIRATE
Choosing Your Ship
Naming Your Ship
Assembling Your Crew
Know Your Ship
Dangers of the Deep
Chapter Five - LIVE YE BY THE PIRATE CODE
Rough Guidelines or Actual Rules?
The Black Spot
The Pirate Government
Parley
Here There Be Loopholes
Chapter Six - FIGHT YE LIKE A PIRATE
He Who Drinks and Rums Away Lives to Drink Another Day
When You’re Out Together, Fighting Ship to Ship
False Colors
Sword Fighting
Knife fighting
Pistols
Ship-to-Shore
Chapter Seven - PLAY YE LIKE A PIRATE
Simple Men, Simple Pleasures
Rum
Wenches, et Cetera, ad Infinitum
Gaming
Chanteys, Jigs, and Other Song-and-Dance Combinations
Chapter Eight - TREASURE!
One Man’s Treasure . . .
There Be Treasure in Them Thar Chests
Secreting Treasure
Mind the Map
Buried in Plain Sight
Finding Buried Treasure: A Pirate’s Duty
A Pox on Ye
Afterword
Appendix A - Lyrics to Popular Pirate Chanteys
Appendix B - A Nontraditional Chantey, Attributed to Po’beard
Appendix C - A favorite Pirate Recipe
Appendix D - Eye Patch
Index
About the Authors
About the Typeface
Other Books by Matthew David Brozik and Jacob Sager Weinstein
The Government Manual for New Superheroes
The Government Manual for New Wizards
The Government Manual for New Pirates
Copyright © 2007 by Matthew David Brozik and Jacob Sager Weinstein.
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 4520 Main Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64111.
07 08 09 10 11 MLT 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
ISBN-13: 978-0-7407-6790-6 ISBN-10: 0-7407-6790-9
Library of Congress Control Number: 2006937594
www.andrewsmcmeel.com
Avast, Schools and Businesses
Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please write to: Special Sales Department, Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, 4520 Main Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64111.
Dedication
With love as strong as rum—and none o’ that watered-down grog stuff—this book be dedicated to Lauren Sager Weinstein (who be holdin’ the treasure map to one of our hearts) and Wade Brozik and Adam Brozik (who be two of the scurviest knaves ye’ll ever be meetin’).
Acknowledgments
The Brotherhood be hoistin’ the naval flag of gratitude to these hearty souls what sailed with us:
Robert “Shepbeard” Shepard
Lane Butler, Scourge of Kansas City
Calico Christina Schafer
The Pirate King be grateful to S. “Robbin’-some” Kutner and Sheryl “Danger” Zohn, what read the manuscript and made a-sure it be right and true.
Avast, Reader!
by Calico Jack, King of the Pirates
If ye be a landlubber, ye be askin’ yerself, “Why would the Government publish a manual for pirates? Goodness me—surely the Government doesn’t sanction such a scandalous activity!” And then, most likely, ye be polishin’ your monocle, and mincin’ around yer dry, salt-free mansion, or whatever it be that ye landlubbers do when ye aren’t makin’ trouble for honest pirates like meself.
But if ye be of the Brotherhood . . . why, then, ye know the answer already. The radish-eatin’ land Government don’t dare publish no manual for us, no, but the Pirate Government got no such qualms.
Ye see, sometime aback, just when me crew was about to board a fat Spanish galleon, a-drippin’ with rubies and doubloons, up speaks Jonesy the cabin boy—a green lad, barely tall enough for his head to reach his hat. “Dibs on the booty,” says he.
“Dibs,” says he!
A billion blisterin’ barnacles on a drowned man’s beard! There be no “dibs” in piratin’. Booty be divided among the crew, from the lowest deckswabber to the highest masthand. So says the Pirate Code, and so says I, and I’ll run through any scurvy dog what says different.
So after I finished runnin’ Jonesy through, I set me to thinkin’. What with the land bein’ so crowded, and the sea bein’ so free, there’s more joinin’ the sweet trade than the Brotherhood can teach. “May be,” says I, “we need a book what can teach the young ’uns how to pirate like men. May be,” says I, “we need a manual.”
Course, not I nor me men be much for readin’ or writin’, unless it be readin’ or writin’ treasure maps. But we be old hands at findin’ booty, be it gold or be it flesh. So we set to findin’ us some human booty. We be raidin’ libraries and universities, honor societies and debatin’ clubs, until we get us a real, honest-to-God writin’ man, what knows all the letters and most of the words, and we set to teachin’ him the ways of the Brethren. And now—of his own free will, mind ye—he’s written this here manual what ye hold in yer own two hands, or yer own two hooks, as may be.
Aye, he don’t speak the pirate tongue. He’s always endin’ words with a g what ought be endin’ with one of them apostrophes. But he writes sound and true, and he knows the Code from stem to stern.
So if ye be wantin’ to join the sovereign kingdom of the lawless seas, then read ye this manual, or kidnap yerself a fancy Lady and have her read it to ye.
Arrrrr!
Calico Jack
King of the Pirates
Chapter One
WHERE BE PIRATES?
Finding Your Brethren
If you have purchased this book, you have already demonstrated your desire to join the fast-growing field of piracy. You have also demonstrated your complete inaptitude for it. Please put this book down at once.
However, if you have stolen this book, you are off to an excellent start. The following pages will teach you much of what you need to know to develop your natural instinct for dishonesty into a thriving career.
But a book can only teach you so much. There will come a time when you must learn, firsthand, from flesh-and-blood members of the Brotherhood. For one thing, you will need to hear the pirate tongue spoken, to improve your accent.
Also, of course, piracy is not a field practiced in solitude. Even if you know everything you must know, you will still need to find other pirates to give you an entry-level job as a cabin boy, in addition to an entry-level parrot and perhaps an entry-level tattoo.
Your first act as a buccaneer, therefore, will be to seek out others of your kind, and then to conk them on the head with a tankard of grog to show them that you mean business. (For more on traditional greetings, see chapter 3.) But where will you find your fellow seafaring rogues?
We Sail the Ocean Blue
Scientists tell us that the earth is two-thirds water, and that water (at least on the surface) is three-eighths pirates. You need only set sail from any port, and before long your ship will encounter (and, perhaps, be boarded and sunk by) a hearty band of buccaneers.
If you wish to speed up the process considerably, you would do well to set sail toward the most pirate-populated region on earth: the Caribbean.
Land, and How to Avoid Lubbing It
Pirates have always had a lub/hate relationship with land.
On the one hand, land is the home of orphanages, ancestral mansions, rodent-infested dungeons, courts of law, and all the other shackles (both metaphorical and literal) that the pirate wishes to escape. On the other hand, it’s where they make the rum.
It is therefore inevitable that, on occasion, you will find yourself—through choice or otherwise—on dry land. There is no shame in this, as long as you remember the following tips:Always stay within smelling distance of seawater. In the pirate cosmos a small island is better than a big one, and a beach is better than a town. In a worst-case scenario, if you find yourself in a large, inland city, locate the nearest aquarium as soon as possible.
If you fall in love with the governor’s pretty daughter, kidnap her at once and s bring her back to your ship. Do not allow her delicate feminine charms to lure you into a respectable life.
Ensure that any drinking establishments you visit are suitable for a member of the Brotherhood. If, upon opening the front door, you see a quiet, smoke-free establishment, decorated in neutral tones and with potted plants, flee at once. By contrast, if opening the front door reveals a packed house of drunken, bearded, tattooed men smoking pipes and slugging one another, you may relax. If you do not need to open the door at all because, as you approach, a drunken, bearded, tattooed man is knocked backward through it, shattering it into splinters, that is even better.
The Caribbean
The Caribbean has been a favored stomping ground of pirates for centuries. Its favorable currents provide the means to swiftly overtake unsuspecting ships. Its countless secluded coves provide safe harbors to hide in after capturing one of those ships. Its sandy beaches provide ample burying ground for treasure while the ship is hiding in one of those coves. And the comely wenches provide countless reasons not to bother overtaking those unsuspecting ships in the first place.
Among the region’s seven thousand islands, a few locations are particular favorites for pirates.
Tortuga
What Jerusalem is to devotees of the world’s three major religions, Tortuga is to pirates, except that pirates view the constant violence in their homeland as a wholly positive thing. A lawless, decadent mass of groghouses and brothels, with drunken or otherwise unconscious bodies of pirates littering every street corner, Tortuga is—in the words of the island’s official motto—“The most wretched hive of scum and villainy you’ll ever find!”
Tortuga consistently takes the top spot in Pirate News & World Report’s “favorite places” poll.
Best-Loved Tortuga Shops and Restaurants
House o’ Wenches
Rummy’s Rum Shack
House o’ Rum
Black Jack’s Blackjacks and Blunt
Instruments
One-Eyed Mac’s Old-Fashioned Rum-Soaked
Wenchery
I Can’t Believe It Be Not Rum!
Hispaniola
Not too far from Tortuga lies Hispaniola, which for many years failed to achieve the popularity of its neighbor, despite an advertising campaign boasting, “We’re number two in scum and villainy—but we try harder.”
Recently, Hispaniola has found more success marketing itself as an upscale alternative for the discriminating pirate. Offering specialty rum from its fine microdistilleries and specialty wenches from its fine microbrothels, the island is rapidly becoming a favorite destination for young, unlawful, but polished pirates, or “yuppies.”
If you choose to visit, be warned: In an effort to preserve the exclusive air of Hispaniola, its citizens recently voted to make pronouncing the “H” a plankwalkable offense.
Favorite Hispaniola Shops and Restaurants
Starbucks
Other Caribbean Hot Spots
There are more pirate-friendly islands in the Caribbean than could possibly be listed in this volume. However, the experienced buccaneer will soon develop the instincts to predict what sort of reception he will receive, based purely on an island’s name. As a rule, the more unappealing a name is to anybody else, the more homey and inviting it will sound to a gentleman o’ fortune.
Cockroach Island, Backstabbers Bay, and Dead Chest Key all have large pirate populations. Rainbowpony Cove does not.
Ice Pirates
Where there is water, there are pirates sailing upon it—even if that water is frozen.
The Ice Pirates of Antarctica are not as well known as their Caribbean counterparts, but they are no less feared by those who have encountered them. Like all pirates, they spend their days sailing, and their nights drinking and carousing. Of course, at the poles, this means six straight months of sailing without rest, followed by six straight months of nonstop drinking and carousing. At the beginning of polar piracy season, members of the Antarctic Brotherhood are still recovering from the most powerful hangovers known to man, and by its end, the crews are so sleep-deprived that their massive ice frigates can easily be sunk by stray icebergs or penguins. But during that
narrow window when they suffer from neither headaches nor exhaustion, Frostbeard and his men are the terrors of the tundra, bringing in haul after haul of precious whale blubber and gleaming icicles. Indeed, nothing strikes fear in the heart of an Eskimo like the sight of a rapidly approaching sled flying the skull and crossbones, pulled by a team of peg-legged, eye patch-wearing huskies.
Chapter Two
LOOK YE LIKE A PIRATE
No Slave to fashion Be Ye
It would be ironic indeed if a seafaring adventurer, after turning his back on the confining laws of the land-bound masses, took pains to dress according to their fads and fashions. In any case, a real pirate cares little for outward appearance; true piracy comes from within.
That said, you will acquire most of your garments by stealing them from law-abiding citizens, and you might, from time to time, find yourself wearing clothes that are disturbingly clean, pleasant-smelling, and free of holes.
Fear not. After just a few days at sea, exposed to the brutal heat, the rank odors, the salty water, and all the other severe conditions of your body (and, to a lesser extent, your vessel), your attire will lose its garishness and its gimcrackery. In fact, like men themselves, only the heartiest of raiment will survive the pirate’s life. The unsubstantial stuff—the lace, the linen, the muslin, the silk—will not last long enough to make swabs for the deck.
Necessary Items
As noted, the pirate is not generally concerned with how he looks. The following accoutrements have become de rigueur, therefore, not for aesthetic but rather for practical piratical reasons.
Head Covering
The deservedly infamous Pirates of Pittsburgh are not the only members of the Brotherhood to wear hats as a matter of course while on duty.1 A hat or other head covering keeps the glaring sun off one’s head during daylight hours and keeps one’s noggin warm the rest of the time. It is also an excellent place for hiding small amounts of treasure when you do not have access to shovels and a bea
ch.
Once, the so-called bicorner hat was very popular, in part because one needed not worry overmuch about putting it on properly—as long as the corners were to the sides, “front” and “back” were of no moment. Still, there were enough pirates for whom even that was too difficult, prompting, eventually, the advent of the even more popular tricorner hat.