The Government Manual for New Pirates Read online

  Alternatively, you could just wear a scarf.

  Beard

  The beard is a functional facial accessory. As your eyebrows keep the literal sweat of your brow (see above) out of your eyes (see below), your beard will keep the sweat of your cheeks and chin out of your mouth and off your neck. At the same time, you can store in your beard rations—trout jerky, hardtack, lime wedges—for those times when you can’t get to the galley, such as when you are on watch in the crow’s-nest. Finally, a beard can serve as a rough indicator of a pirate’s age and sex.

  Eye Patch(es)

  At one time, eye patches were worn only when a man had lost an eye and wanted to keep his brain from being exposed to the elements and rotting.

  Now, however, the eye patch is more symbol than safeguard. This might seem to contradict the rule that pirate dress is based on practicality rather than appearance. After all, wearing a patch over a working eye significantly limits one’s ability to see, and completely destroys one’s depth perception, making it difficult if not impossible to tell whether that Coast Guard cutter or sea monster is several leagues away or just off the port bow (or, for that matter, whether it is a Coast Guard cutter or a sea monster in the first place, the proper response to each being different2).

  Remember, though, that a pirate’s greatest weapon is his reputation. If you are sufficiently fearsome, your victims will surrender before you have fired a single shot (or swung a single cutlass), allowing you all the more time to enjoy the items that recently belonged to them. Your eye patch sends your foes a message of extreme bravado, indicating that you are willing to take on all comers with one arm tied behind your back, or, more literally, one eye tied behind your patch. (Note: Wearing two eye patches will not make you seem twice as fearsome, and might in fact interfere with your navigational duties.)

  You should alternate daily which eye your patch covers, to avoid lasting weakness in either one and uneven tanning.

  Tattoos

  Although reading and writing are pastimes for landlubbers (as are arithmetic, regular bathing, brushing one’s teeth, eating with utensils, chewing with one’s mouth closed, badminton, opera, and not pushing people off wooden planks into shark-infested waters), nonetheless many pirates choose to be “inked,” often in words.

  Popular tattoos include the names of favored wenches (Mary, Rosemary, Maryann); endorsements of highly rated pirate-friendly establishments (Mary’s Alehouse, Rosemary’s Bawdy House, Maryann’s Brothel and Breakfast, Wendy’s); and last wills and/ or testaments (“To me most favored wench, Marie, I leave me antique snuffbox, me second-best cutlass, and all me tattoos, includin’ this one, if she be able to get ’em off me corpse.”).

  Some pirates have treasure maps tattooed on their bodies. The pirate considering this option should select an expanse of skin as free of moles as possible, to avoid the unfortunate fate of Spotty Pete, who spent the last decade of his life on a fruitless hunt for Melanoma Isle.

  Hooks and Pegs

  Hooks and pegs are not, of course, mandatory for all pirates—merely those missing hands or legs. Specifically, hooks replace hands and pegs replace legs. Replacing your hand with a peg will make it hard to slide down a taut rigging in the heat of battle, and replacing your leg with a hook will make it hard to put your pants on.

  Earrings and Other Jewelry

  Real men wear jewelry—finger rings and earrings especially. Adorning oneself liberally with gold and silver isn’t pretentiousness but pragmatism: Precious metals, after all, are best kept close at hand, assuming you have hands. (If you have hooks, you will notice that a large gold ring will tend to slip right off. Consider getting large gold hooks, or several very small gold rings.)

  Precious metals also serve as a meter of a pirate’s mettle. Gold earrings, for example, symbolize a successful voyage around the notoriously treacherous Cape Horn. Gold nose rings represent a successful voyage through the Sound of Bull Horn. Gold teeth represent a string of successful voyages without a toothbrush.

  Items of jewelry singularly unpopular among pirates include leg irons and rope chokers.

  Parrots

  Parrots have a number of different characteristics that endear them to pirates. All 350 different species of bird in the order of parrots are zygodactyls, having the four toes on each foot placed two in front and two in back, an evolutionary advantage making it easy for them to perch on a pirate’s shoulder. Also, unlike other pets, parrots can be taught to curse.

  Even those parrots who do not pick up a salty vocabulary from their owners liven up many a dull hour at sea with their calls of “Dead men tell no tales!” or “Polly be wantin’ a cracker!” And a parrot’s ability to parrot is not limited to human speech; the bird who can convincingly imitate the sound of a cannon’s report can save his owner’s life when ammo runs low.

  Although the popularity of parrots as pets has led to a thriving and often illegal trade in the birds, pirates themselves have chosen not to participate in it, mainly because they can’t figure out what to wear on their shoulders while doing so.

  The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship

  Among the many reasons why parrots are popular among pirates, the most historically significant is simply that parrot sounds a lot like pirate, especially to a pirate (or a parrot) who has been up late drinking. Thus it was that when the famed Captain Henry Morgan, fairly flammable with spiced rum, issued orders to his second-in-command to enlarge their boat’s crew complement, he returned to the vessel to find it instead transformed into a veritable aviary, and a tradition was born.

  Teeth

  Teeth are optional for a pirate.

  Not Recommended

  A pirate may wear a tuxedo under precious few circumstances, none of which will be described here, and in any event never before six in the evening.

  Chapter Three

  SPEAK IN THE MANNER Of A PIRATE

  Rough Waters Ahead?

  You will soon see that this chapter contains many more tables and charts than the previous ones. Studies indicate that in populations with a distaste for book learning (a group that certainly includes pirates, both current and aspiring), tables and charts are 342% more intimidating than any other form of knowledge, except statistics (which are 456% more intimidating than average) and lengthy compound sentences (no intimidation rating currently available).

  A Very Complex and Intimidating Statistical Equation

  A pirate’s fear of book learning can even cause him to skip whole sidebars when it appears that they will contain excessive scientific or mathematical language. We may demonstrate& this logically by letting Q = Fear of Book Learning and Y = Excessive Mathematical Language. If we then take the square of the derivative of the cosine of the tangent of the HELP! I am an honest literary man being forced to write this book against my will! Please contact the Governor of St. Thomas Island, the Head Constable of St. Thomas Island, and the President of the St. Thomas Island Book Club and Literary Debating Society at once. Thank you. Thus, we can see that.

  You might therefore find it helpful to view the various charts and tables in a more pirate-friendly light: as navigation charts (through the tempestuous seas of grammar) or as treasure maps (to the precious booty of clear communication.)

  Or you can just skip to chapter 4.

  Conjugation

  The most important verb in the pirate tongue is to be. Master its use, and you will be a long way toward speaking fluent Pirate. For your convenience, here is a chart of the most commonly used conjugations of to be. Clip it out and carry it with you until you have memorized it, lest you make an embarrassing (and potentially fatal) grammatical misstep.

  Once you have memorized the forms of to be, you can use them to conjugate any other verb. For example, if you wish to use the third-person subjunctive of the verb to yammer, you would simply say be yammerin’. If, however, you wish to use the second-person familiar future tense, you would say be yammerin’. The third-person pluperfective nominative would be be yammerin’, and so forth.

  Readers who are unable to extrapolate further might wish to purchase (or steal, during a raid on a bookshop or bookship) the handy reference work 500 Verbs What I Be Conjugatin’ in the Pirate Tongue.

  A Pirate’s Alphabet: More Than Just X

  Every tar worth his salt—and vice versa—knows that X is far and away the most useful of all the letters; it is, after all, X and no other letter that marks the spot. But there are other letters as well—many others, in fact—and some of them have merit in their own right. (Note: This list is intended to be illustrative only, not exhaustive. No single list could include all possible letters.)

  C A pirate needs to get the daily recommended allowance of this vitamin, lest he become a scurvy knave.

  D The lowest passing grade on the Pirate/ Swashbuckler Aptitude Test (PSAT).

  H On buoys, indicates that a pirate hospital is nearby, either on an island or a sterile barge.

  O Shorthand for “hug,” often used on ransom notes, in the closing salvo just above the signature.

  R When in a circle, indicates registered trademark status of your name, e.g.: Captain Carbuncle®; Jim the Putrescent®; Planky®.

  Absence Makes the Boat Go faster

  Perhaps more important than the letters pirates use are the letters they do not use—which is most of them, at one time or another. Where a land dweller might say, “I should like to purchase a halfpenny’s worth of gunpowder for musket-loading purposes, please,” a pirate would say, “A ha’penn’orth o’ po’der fer the loadin’.” Thanks to this conversational efficiency, in the time it takes a land dweller to make his request, the pirate will already have finished his transaction, loaded his musket, kidnapped the land dweller’s daughter, and set sail. It is no coincidence that the o
nly natural enemies of pirates are those who speak even less than they do: ninjas and (under certain circumstances) monks.

  If you are unsure which letters to omit when speaking Pirate, just remember this handy rule of thumb: If a letter appears at the beginning of a word or at the end, you may safely drop it. Likewise if it appears anywhere in between.

  Some Selected Definitions of Some Selected Pirate Words

  Ahoy. Greetings. Also used in onboard gambling activities, where the phrase “Chips ahoy!” means “Show me the money!”

  Arr. The most versatile word in a pirate’s vocabulary. It can mean “Yes,” “No,” “Uh-oh,” “Prepare to die,” or (in certain very specific circumstances) “The brown one second from the left, but not the blue one, unless it is Tuesday.”

  Avast. When used as an imperative verb, signifies “stop,” as in “Avast there, landlubber.” When used as an adjective, it signifies something of such great size that the speaker cannot pause for breath when describing it, as in “Avast canyon.”

  Davy Jones’s locker. (1) The place to which all pirates must ultimately go. The infinite sea at the end of the plank of life. The final keelhauling. The great groghouse in the sky. (2) The place where Davy Jones keeps his postcards of scantily clad wenches. (Note: only applicable if there is a pirate on board named Davy Jones.)

  Grog. Rum; especially rum mixed with hot water and flavored. Just as Eskimos have hundreds of words for snow, so pirates have hundreds of words for rum. (The Ice Pirates of Antarctica, it should be noted, have several hundred words for rum-flavored sno-cones.)

  Scurvy dog. A biting insult, unless your captain combines a fondness for pets with a disdain for citrus.

  Wench. A woman.

  Winch. A windlass turned by a crank. (Note: Confusing wench and winch can cause considerable embarrassment at pirate social events.)

  A [Large Number] [Gerund] [Plural Noun] on a(n) [Adjective] [Noun]!

  Now that you have learned the words of the pirate tongue, you will want to combine them into phrases. Sometimes, you will use these phrases to cajole, to urge, to praise, or to thank. Mostly, though, you will use them to curse.

  Please note that pirate cursing does not involve the utterance of obscene words. Gentlemen o’ fortune might roam the lawless seas, burning towns to the ground, sinking ships, and assaulting innocent citizens with cannon and cutlass, but they do have manners.

  As a result, pirate cursing demands considerable inventiveness and creativity. Indeed, cursing may be the most exquisite of all pirate art forms, surpassing even scrimshaw and tobacco spitting. The famed Pirate Curse-Off—held annually in an undisclosed location on an unrevealed date—draws connoisseurs from across the globe. Organizers of the most recent of these events estimated attendance at “five hundred flea-feedin’ seadogs on a rickety wood bench,” up from the previous year’s “three hundred lice-scratchin’ lunkheads in a salt-stinkin’ saloon.”

  With practice, you, too, can learn this art. Perhaps you will even attain a level of mastery like that of the notorious Red Rackham, who—as he stood on the gallows—took advantage of an obscure law forbidding the hanging of a pirate in mid-curse and launched into a single interjection of such length and complexity that he was able to delay his execution by a full twenty-four hours. At that point (as he triumphantly uttered the concluding words “and your second cousin as well!”) he dropped dead of exhaustion, making his triumph over the hangman complete.

  Until you reach that level of skill, when you need to express surprise, anger, affection, or any other emotion, simply refer to the following table. Select one phrase from each column, and you will have an impressive exclamation for any occasion.

  Skullcaps and Crossbones

  Jewish pirates have always faced special challenges; salted pork, for example, is one of the most common foods at sea, and salted matzoh balls simply do not travel as well. Nonetheless, some of history’s greatest pirates have been Jewish. Jean Lafitte was raised in a kosher home, and if Blackbeard wasn’t Hasidic, he certainly looked it. If you find yourself in the company of buccaneers wearing yarrrmulkes, you might find the following Pirate-Yiddish dictionary useful.

  Talk Like a Landlubber Day

  Each year on September 19, pirates all around the world observe International Talk Like a Landlubber Day. If you wish to participate but have forgotten the landlubber tongue, there is no need to worry. Simply read this chapter in reverse.

  Chapter Four

  SAIL YE LIKE A PIRATE

  Choosing Your Ship

  You now know how to dress the part and how to curse. To complete your sea change into a pirate, all you need to do now is go to sea.

  That is, all you need to do now is go to sea in a boat.

  Not just any boat, of course. A pirate’s ship must be swift, sturdy, and well equipped. She must have the agility to overtake your victims’ vessels and to outrun authority, the fortitude to withstand bombardment, and the wherewithal to return fire. Your ship should also have an anchor and either a lot of sails or some kind of motor. A paddlewheel is not appropriate unless you plan to terrorize only the Mississippi River, as did the legendary Hucklebeard (and his comely consort, Buccaneer “Bucky” Thatcher).

  We shall consider the actual sailing of your vessel in greater detail below. For now it will suffice that you have a ship of some variety and that it is more inclined to float than to sink. Find yourself a bottle of rum, for it is time to christen your ship.3

  Naming Your Ship

  For reasons unclear and buried too deep in history to be found, questioned, and drawn and quartered, it is a nautical tradition to name ships with puns. The custom shows no signs of letting up, and an unplayful vessel name is viewed as an invitation for immediate boarding, raiding, and scuttling. Some pirates will even rename a ship before sinking her.

  Another intractable tradition is that a ship is referred to as “she” or “her” no matter how unfeminine (or positively masculine) its name. Thus the famed Captain Mad Mudlark was often heard to remark, “Pegleg Joe’s Festerin’ Carcass? She be a beauty, and I be lovin’ her!”

  When you have chosen a name for your ship and have had that name stenciled upon her hull in a fearsome font with waterproof paint, take your bottle of rum in hand. Open your bottle of rum. Drink the contents of your bottle of rum. Then smash the empty bottle on the fore of your ship. If your ship goes down at this point, begin reading this chapter again.

  Good Names for a Pirate Ship • Blood Vessel

  • Death Merchant Marine

  • Craft Unfair

  • A Painful Berth

  • I Keel You

  • The Black Catamaran

  • H.M.S. Parasite

  • The Bad Ship Lollipop

  Bad Names for a Pirate Ship • Sea Student

  • The Dingy Dinghy

  • Idle Warship

  • Grim Rowboat