The Government Manual for New Pirates Read online

  Table of Contents

  Other Books by Matthew David Brozik and Jacob Sager Weinstein

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Acknowledgements

  Avast, Reader!

  Chapter One - WHERE BE PIRATES?

  Finding Your Brethren

  We Sail the Ocean Blue

  The Caribbean

  Chapter Two - LOOK YE LIKE A PIRATE

  No Slave to fashion Be Ye

  Necessary Items

  Not Recommended

  Chapter Three - SPEAK IN THE MANNER Of A PIRATE

  Rough Waters Ahead?

  Conjugation

  A Pirate’s Alphabet: More Than Just X

  Absence Makes the Boat Go faster

  Some Selected Definitions of Some Selected Pirate Words

  A [Large Number] [Gerund] [Plural Noun] on a(n) [Adjective] [Noun]!

  Chapter Four - SAIL YE LIKE A PIRATE

  Choosing Your Ship

  Naming Your Ship

  Assembling Your Crew

  Know Your Ship

  Dangers of the Deep

  Chapter Five - LIVE YE BY THE PIRATE CODE

  Rough Guidelines or Actual Rules?

  The Black Spot

  The Pirate Government

  Parley

  Here There Be Loopholes

  Chapter Six - FIGHT YE LIKE A PIRATE

  He Who Drinks and Rums Away Lives to Drink Another Day

  When You’re Out Together, Fighting Ship to Ship

  False Colors

  Sword Fighting

  Knife fighting

  Pistols

  Ship-to-Shore

  Chapter Seven - PLAY YE LIKE A PIRATE

  Simple Men, Simple Pleasures

  Rum

  Wenches, et Cetera, ad Infinitum

  Gaming

  Chanteys, Jigs, and Other Song-and-Dance Combinations

  Chapter Eight - TREASURE!

  One Man’s Treasure . . .

  There Be Treasure in Them Thar Chests

  Secreting Treasure

  Mind the Map

  Buried in Plain Sight

  Finding Buried Treasure: A Pirate’s Duty

  A Pox on Ye

  Afterword

  Appendix A - Lyrics to Popular Pirate Chanteys

  Appendix B - A Nontraditional Chantey, Attributed to Po’beard

  Appendix C - A favorite Pirate Recipe

  Appendix D - Eye Patch

  Index

  About the Authors

  About the Typeface

  Other Books by Matthew David Brozik and Jacob Sager Weinstein

  The Government Manual for New Superheroes

  The Government Manual for New Wizards

  The Government Manual for New Pirates

  Copyright © 2007 by Matthew David Brozik and Jacob Sager Weinstein.

  All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 4520 Main Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64111.

  07 08 09 10 11 MLT 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  ISBN-13: 978-0-7407-6790-6 ISBN-10: 0-7407-6790-9

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2006937594

  www.andrewsmcmeel.com

  Avast, Schools and Businesses

  Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please write to: Special Sales Department, Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, 4520 Main Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64111.

  Dedication

  With love as strong as rum—and none o’ that watered-down grog stuff—this book be dedicated to Lauren Sager Weinstein (who be holdin’ the treasure map to one of our hearts) and Wade Brozik and Adam Brozik (who be two of the scurviest knaves ye’ll ever be meetin’).

  Acknowledgments

  The Brotherhood be hoistin’ the naval flag of gratitude to these hearty souls what sailed with us:

  Robert “Shepbeard” Shepard

  Lane Butler, Scourge of Kansas City

  Calico Christina Schafer

  The Pirate King be grateful to S. “Robbin’-some” Kutner and Sheryl “Danger” Zohn, what read the manuscript and made a-sure it be right and true.

  Avast, Reader!

  by Calico Jack, King of the Pirates

  If ye be a landlubber, ye be askin’ yerself, “Why would the Government publish a manual for pirates? Goodness me—surely the Government doesn’t sanction such a scandalous activity!” And then, most likely, ye be polishin’ your monocle, and mincin’ around yer dry, salt-free mansion, or whatever it be that ye landlubbers do when ye aren’t makin’ trouble for honest pirates like meself.

  But if ye be of the Brotherhood . . . why, then, ye know the answer already. The radish-eatin’ land Government don’t dare publish no manual for us, no, but the Pirate Government got no such qualms.

  Ye see, sometime aback, just when me crew was about to board a fat Spanish galleon, a-drippin’ with rubies and doubloons, up speaks Jonesy the cabin boy—a green lad, barely tall enough for his head to reach his hat. “Dibs on the booty,” says he.

  “Dibs,” says he!

  A billion blisterin’ barnacles on a drowned man’s beard! There be no “dibs” in piratin’. Booty be divided among the crew, from the lowest deckswabber to the highest masthand. So says the Pirate Code, and so says I, and I’ll run through any scurvy dog what says different.

  So after I finished runnin’ Jonesy through, I set me to thinkin’. What with the land bein’ so crowded, and the sea bein’ so free, there’s more joinin’ the sweet trade than the Brotherhood can teach. “May be,” says I, “we need a book what can teach the young ’uns how to pirate like men. May be,” says I, “we need a manual.”

  Course, not I nor me men be much for readin’ or writin’, unless it be readin’ or writin’ treasure maps. But we be old hands at findin’ booty, be it gold or be it flesh. So we set to findin’ us some human booty. We be raidin’ libraries and universities, honor societies and debatin’ clubs, until we get us a real, honest-to-God writin’ man, what knows all the letters and most of the words, and we set to teachin’ him the ways of the Brethren. And now—of his own free will, mind ye—he’s written this here manual what ye hold in yer own two hands, or yer own two hooks, as may be.

  Aye, he don’t speak the pirate tongue. He’s always endin’ words with a g what ought be endin’ with one of them apostrophes. But he writes sound and true, and he knows the Code from stem to stern.

  So if ye be wantin’ to join the sovereign kingdom of the lawless seas, then read ye this manual, or kidnap yerself a fancy Lady and have her read it to ye.

  Arrrrr!

  Calico Jack

  King of the Pirates

  Chapter One

  WHERE BE PIRATES?

  Finding Your Brethren

  If you have purchased this book, you have already demonstrated your desire to join the fast-growing field of piracy. You have also demonstrated your complete inaptitude for it. Please put this book down at once.

  However, if you have stolen this book, you are off to an excellent start. The following pages will teach you much of what you need to know to develop your natural instinct for dishonesty into a thriving career.

  But a book can only teach you so much. There will come a time when you must learn, firsthand, from flesh-and-blood members of the Brotherhood. For one thing, you will need to hear the pirate tongue spoken, to improve your accent.
Also, of course, piracy is not a field practiced in solitude. Even if you know everything you must know, you will still need to find other pirates to give you an entry-level job as a cabin boy, in addition to an entry-level parrot and perhaps an entry-level tattoo.

  Your first act as a buccaneer, therefore, will be to seek out others of your kind, and then to conk them on the head with a tankard of grog to show them that you mean business. (For more on traditional greetings, see chapter 3.) But where will you find your fellow seafaring rogues?

  We Sail the Ocean Blue

  Scientists tell us that the earth is two-thirds water, and that water (at least on the surface) is three-eighths pirates. You need only set sail from any port, and before long your ship will encounter (and, perhaps, be boarded and sunk by) a hearty band of buccaneers.

  If you wish to speed up the process considerably, you would do well to set sail toward the most pirate-populated region on earth: the Caribbean.

  Land, and How to Avoid Lubbing It

  Pirates have always had a lub/hate relationship with land.

  On the one hand, land is the home of orphanages, ancestral mansions, rodent-infested dungeons, courts of law, and all the other shackles (both metaphorical and literal) that the pirate wishes to escape. On the other hand, it’s where they make the rum.

  It is therefore inevitable that, on occasion, you will find yourself—through choice or otherwise—on dry land. There is no shame in this, as long as you remember the following tips:Always stay within smelling distance of seawater. In the pirate cosmos a small island is better than a big one, and a beach is better than a town. In a worst-case scenario, if you find yourself in a large, inland city, locate the nearest aquarium as soon as possible.

  If you fall in love with the governor’s pretty daughter, kidnap her at once and s bring her back to your ship. Do not allow her delicate feminine charms to lure you into a respectable life.

  Ensure that any drinking establishments you visit are suitable for a member of the Brotherhood. If, upon opening the front door, you see a quiet, smoke-free establishment, decorated in neutral tones and with potted plants, flee at once. By contrast, if opening the front door reveals a packed house of drunken, bearded, tattooed men smoking pipes and slugging one another, you may relax. If you do not need to open the door at all because, as you approach, a drunken, bearded, tattooed man is knocked backward through it, shattering it into splinters, that is even better.

  The Caribbean

  The Caribbean has been a favored stomping ground of pirates for centuries. Its favorable currents provide the means to swiftly overtake unsuspecting ships. Its countless secluded coves provide safe harbors to hide in after capturing one of those ships. Its sandy beaches provide ample burying ground for treasure while the ship is hiding in one of those coves. And the comely wenches provide countless reasons not to bother overtaking those unsuspecting ships in the first place.

  Among the region’s seven thousand islands, a few locations are particular favorites for pirates.

  Tortuga

  What Jerusalem is to devotees of the world’s three major religions, Tortuga is to pirates, except that pirates view the constant violence in their homeland as a wholly positive thing. A lawless, decadent mass of groghouses and brothels, with drunken or otherwise unconscious bodies of pirates littering every street corner, Tortuga is—in the words of the island’s official motto—“The most wretched hive of scum and villainy you’ll ever find!”

  Tortuga consistently takes the top spot in Pirate News & World Report’s “favorite places” poll.

  Best-Loved Tortuga Shops and Restaurants

  House o’ Wenches

  Rummy’s Rum Shack

  House o’ Rum

  Black Jack’s Blackjacks and Blunt

  Instruments

  One-Eyed Mac’s Old-Fashioned Rum-Soaked

  Wenchery

  I Can’t Believe It Be Not Rum!

  Hispaniola

  Not too far from Tortuga lies Hispaniola, which for many years failed to achieve the popularity of its neighbor, despite an advertising campaign boasting, “We’re number two in scum and villainy—but we try harder.”

  Recently, Hispaniola has found more success marketing itself as an upscale alternative for the discriminating pirate. Offering specialty rum from its fine microdistilleries and specialty wenches from its fine microbrothels, the island is rapidly becoming a favorite destination for young, unlawful, but polished pirates, or “yuppies.”

  If you choose to visit, be warned: In an effort to preserve the exclusive air of Hispaniola, its citizens recently voted to make pronouncing the “H” a plankwalkable offense.

  Favorite Hispaniola Shops and Restaurants

  Starbucks

  Other Caribbean Hot Spots

  There are more pirate-friendly islands in the Caribbean than could possibly be listed in this volume. However, the experienced buccaneer will soon develop the instincts to predict what sort of reception he will receive, based purely on an island’s name. As a rule, the more unappealing a name is to anybody else, the more homey and inviting it will sound to a gentleman o’ fortune.

  Cockroach Island, Backstabbers Bay, and Dead Chest Key all have large pirate populations. Rainbowpony Cove does not.

  Ice Pirates

  Where there is water, there are pirates sailing upon it—even if that water is frozen.

  The Ice Pirates of Antarctica are not as well known as their Caribbean counterparts, but they are no less feared by those who have encountered them. Like all pirates, they spend their days sailing, and their nights drinking and carousing. Of course, at the poles, this means six straight months of sailing without rest, followed by six straight months of nonstop drinking and carousing. At the beginning of polar piracy season, members of the Antarctic Brotherhood are still recovering from the most powerful hangovers known to man, and by its end, the crews are so sleep-deprived that their massive ice frigates can easily be sunk by stray icebergs or penguins. But during that

  narrow window when they suffer from neither headaches nor exhaustion, Frostbeard and his men are the terrors of the tundra, bringing in haul after haul of precious whale blubber and gleaming icicles. Indeed, nothing strikes fear in the heart of an Eskimo like the sight of a rapidly approaching sled flying the skull and crossbones, pulled by a team of peg-legged, eye patch-wearing huskies.

  Chapter Two

  LOOK YE LIKE A PIRATE

  No Slave to fashion Be Ye

  It would be ironic indeed if a seafaring adventurer, after turning his back on the confining laws of the land-bound masses, took pains to dress according to their fads and fashions. In any case, a real pirate cares little for outward appearance; true piracy comes from within.

  That said, you will acquire most of your garments by stealing them from law-abiding citizens, and you might, from time to time, find yourself wearing clothes that are disturbingly clean, pleasant-smelling, and free of holes.

  Fear not. After just a few days at sea, exposed to the brutal heat, the rank odors, the salty water, and all the other severe conditions of your body (and, to a lesser extent, your vessel), your attire will lose its garishness and its gimcrackery. In fact, like men themselves, only the heartiest of raiment will survive the pirate’s life. The unsubstantial stuff—the lace, the linen, the muslin, the silk—will not last long enough to make swabs for the deck.

  Necessary Items

  As noted, the pirate is not generally concerned with how he looks. The following accoutrements have become de rigueur, therefore, not for aesthetic but rather for practical piratical reasons.

  Head Covering

  The deservedly infamous Pirates of Pittsburgh are not the only members of the Brotherhood to wear hats as a matter of course while on duty.1 A hat or other head covering keeps the glaring sun off one’s head during daylight hours and keeps one’s noggin warm the rest of the time. It is also an excellent place for hiding small amounts of treasure when you do not have access to shovels and a bea
ch.

  Once, the so-called bicorner hat was very popular, in part because one needed not worry overmuch about putting it on properly—as long as the corners were to the sides, “front” and “back” were of no moment. Still, there were enough pirates for whom even that was too difficult, prompting, eventually, the advent of the even more popular tricorner hat.